Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I have had a lot of time to reflect on my actions. I am shamed and lost to how I can recover from this. One thing that has help, and something I should have used before, is you all. I wont sit here and pretend that things are back to normal, it is far from it. What I will say is this... I love running and I love the feelings I was getting from this whole experience. I want so bad to have that feeling back. I have hurt so many of my friends and I want to somehow correct the errs of my past. I dont know what the future has for me but I do have a deep desire to use the gift that God gave me in a positve way. I have to be honest with myself and I have to figure out how to forgive myself. I dont want to end it like this. I just need to figure out what makes me tick. I love you all and keep the comments and emails coming. Thank you all for everything.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
It is amazing that I still have people that really believe in me. I say this because ii have a hard time grasping the fact that there are real people out there who can see that there is some good left in me. To be truthful. I am a good person. I have done some things that i am ashamed of and that I wish I could take back, but I know if I am to ever live again I will have a long hard road. I was going to abandond this blog but after reading so of the comments I have decided to continue to share with you the thoughts that go through my mind. I am very sorry for the hurt that I have caused aand wish it never happened, but it did and now I have to figure out how to get past all of this. I will go into rehab and pray that I can figure this out. Iwant to be able to live without the struggle of using. For all of you that still support me, THANK YOU. We can get through this and I will fight for a change in my life.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
No great quotes to start this out. No good mornings or the likes, just the facts. I have allow my addiction to dictate my life once again and in the process, hurt the people how gave me a chance. The only thing about that is, I never really believed in myself. As I sit here trying to figure out what to do next, I still don't know or believe that I can ever get better. Please dont say that you understand, because you have no clue how being addicted to crack is. You have all met me on some level, but if you were to see me when I was using...I can't even predict what I would do. I am a lowlife. A lier, a thief, a crackhead, and anything else you want to add to the ever growing pot. I want to say that I am sorry, and I really am, but I know it wont do. I can die right now. Thats how I feel. I do want better, I just don't know how. With all the people that loved me, i now have more who hate me. I will try to get better, i hope, and correct this. i love u all