Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Truth About Isaac

No great quotes to start this out. No good mornings or the likes, just the facts. I have allow my addiction to dictate my life once again and in the process, hurt the people how gave me a chance. The only thing about that is, I never really believed in myself. As I sit here trying to figure out what to do next, I still don't know or believe that I can ever get better. Please dont say that you understand, because you have no clue how being addicted to crack is. You have all met me on some level, but if you were to see me when I was using...I can't even predict what I would do. I am a lowlife. A lier, a thief, a crackhead, and anything else you want to add to the ever growing pot. I want to say that I am sorry, and I really am, but I know it wont do. I can die right now. Thats how I feel. I do want better, I just don't know how. With all the people that loved me, i now have more who hate me. I will try to get better, i hope, and correct this. i love u all


john waire said...

isaac...i'll never claim to understand. we all live in our own worlds. we all have our own vices and demons.

what i do know is that you're the only one who can ultimately make yourself better. friendships, support groups, books, etc...all help and encourage...but at the end of the, and only you can makes things right or throw it all away. everything else is just words. what you do...what you choose...dictates everything.

i'm hopeful that your involvement in bomf and the friendships you have gained have taught you one thing thru it all -- you matter. that means something. until you realize that...this vicious cycle will repeat itself.

be well my friend. be well!

Denise said...

Issac, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling right now. You're right, I have no idea what you're going through but I do feel for you. I wish there was something I could do to help you through this but I know there's nothing.

I wish the best for you and hope you can find your way out of this dark place. You are capable of doing that, don't ever stop believing in yourself.

Anonymous said...


I do not know you, not in person anyway, but I do read your blog regularly. I recently began running with the Ridge BOMF group.

Before I throw out a quote for you, let me just say this: Although I don’t know you, you are a person of value regardless of any previous or future mistakes. Everyone has setbacks or difficult events in their life that play into a vicious cycle that can feel impossible to break. Because of your particular life circumstances, you have a particularly difficult cycle to overcome.

Your sharing of your setback is courageous and admirable. Your honesty is just another step in the right direction, even if it follows lots of backwards steps. Setbacks and disappointments will happen, as will times when you feel you’ve fallen so far back you can never get back on track, but these things can never erase the successes you have had and are capable of having again.

Okay, here is the quote: “I’ve never known anybody to achieve anything without overcoming adversity.” – Lou Holtz

And John is right. You do matter.

Johnny_G said...

Isaac -

Bummed by the news. Saddened by the set-back. But more encouraged than ever that you have the courage to convey your experience, strength and hope. Many other addicts make the mistake of wallowing in their guilt and shame. You don't have to.

At some point in the depths of my addiction, I became sick and tired of being sick and tired... Once I truly surrendered, my vision became much more clear.

You have unbelievable support around you. Reach out for it!

Anonymous said...

Isaac, I read your blog regularly and my heart goes out to you. I Please don't discount the successes you've had. Setbacks and struggles will come, know that, and learn from it. The value in a setback is that in can teach you the skills to make different choices in the future. Lean on a friend, a support group, a higher power, and choose to head in a positive direction when you feel yourself struggling or slipping. You are always loved and matter!

debm said...

None of us can presume to know another's path...none of us can presume to have the answers...but each of us can choose to see what is good in the other...and I see good in you!

Nearly 15 years ago, I lost a brother to heroin addiction. He was a beautiful, bright, funny, and loving man, a father to two children...despite his many efforts to stay clean, the addiction never let up its horrible grip for long. Aside from the terrible loss of his death, there was the equally tragic loss of his connection to our family well before he died.

My mother, who had loved him unconditionally, could no longer handle the heartache after my brother stole her jewelry and sold it for drug money. When she became terminally ill with lung cancer, they were still estranged. Sadly, my brother never got to see our mom before she died. There was no peace for either of them, and he died of an overdose 4 months later. There is a huge hole in our family's heart.

I certainly don't presume to know you or to really understand your struggles, but I want you to know that none of us has the right to judge another. I'm still going to hold good thoughts for you and pray that you find peace on your journey.